Apr 12, 2010

My Dearest Pammy,

How you doin’, baby?  I’m just sitting, drinkin’ a Beuller, thinkin’ of you. 

I’m not a man of many words, but here’s one I like: Forever.  You and me, together forever. 

Give the kids a kiss good night.  I’ll be by to check in on you in the morning. 

Sleep tight, darlin’.

Buck 

 
 

Mar 19, 2010

Response 9

Mr. R. Buck Craine
P.O. Box 12579
Overland Park, KS 66204

Dear Mr. Craine,

I believe you have completely misconstrued the meaning and purpose of my Sunday editorial.  What I was suggesting, and I thought quite clearly, was that we need more separation between church and state.  Not less

As a Christian man myself, I don’t need the luck you have offered me in the afterlife.  I’m quite certain I will acquit myself quite nicely, thank you very much, when I am called to testify before St. Peter, et al. 

As for the “Great Presidency of George W. Bush”:  Really?  Great?  Presidency?  George W. Bush?  You might be the first person to put those three ideas together in one sentence.  Congratulations. 

Furthermore, this is at least the twentieth letter I have received from you in the last few months, not one of which has made any logical sense, nor featured proper grammar or sound reasoning.  Please stop pestering me.  I have a lot of work to do, and suffer from IBS.  You’re just making it worse.  I beg of you, Mr. Craine, please leave me alone.

For the Last Time,

Paul Abeladonia

Editor-in-Chief, Overland Park Press
P.O. Box 12365
Overland Park, KS 66205

 
 

Mar 19, 2010

Letter 9

Editor-In-Chief
Overland Park Press
Overland Park, KS

Dear Sir,

I would like to take exception to the claim in your recent editorial that America has forgotten about the seperation between church and state.  Have you already forgotten about the great presidency of one George W. Bush? 

That man done seemlesly blended the power of goverment with the power of his Christian beliefs.  For the will of man, even American man, is secondary to the biggest president of them all:  President Jesus Christ.  Elected of the people, by the people, for the people.  Well, Christian people.

God bless the United States and dear God, please have mercy on those who run the Overland Park Press.

Best of Luck in the Afterlife,

R. Buck Craine
P.O. Box 12579
Overland Park, KS 66204

 
 

Mar 18, 2010

Letter 8

Department of Homeland Security
Washington D.C.

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing you to inform you of suspicious activities coming from the home of a neighbor just up the block at 17982 Keybrook Lane, the home of one Albert and Betty Basmajian.

Due to recent events, I thought it my duty as a veteran of second Indo-China War and as an American who cares about true liberty that I look deeper into the lives of these admittedly friendly, yet highly suspicious folk. 

Consider if you will:

1.  On January 17th, Albert Basmajian was seen in the company of three other gentlemen of obvious middle-eastern complection.  As they sat together enjoying the hot dogs fresh off the barbeque, it seemed perfectly clear to me that they were discussing, nay, plotting some future activity.  There is no clear evidence to suggest they weren’t.

2.  On January 21st, Mrs. Basmajian was seen purchasing an inordinate amount of drinking water.  Preparing for a long stand off, or just extremely cost-conscious?  That, sirs, is for you to find out.

3.  On February 9th, the Basmajian family was spotted in a large van.  It parked for a time near the park, where the children appeared to be “digging” in the “sandbox”.  Mr. Basmajian was seen chatting with an ice-cream vendor wearing a baseball cap and holding a Spanish language newspaper.  The European connection becomes all the more clear.  Ice cream sandwich or dirty yellow cake.  Again, that’s your department.

4.  Mr. Basmajian became inordinately upset upon discovering me rummaging through the garbage can in his backyard.  When I explained that I was a hero in the great “Helicopter War”, he pushed me to the ground and waved a baseball bat in my so-called general direction.  What are you protecting, Mr. Basmajian?

Please look into these suspects before a catastrophe of epic proportion befalls the great state of Kansas. 

Sincerely,

A Concerned Citizen

 
 

Mar 18, 2010

Response 8

Mr. R. Buck Craine
P.O. Box 12579
Overland Park, KS 66204

Dear Mr. R. Buck Craine,

Thank you for your vigilance as a concerned citizen.  It is important for every American to remain alert during these difficult times.  We can assure you that the information you have provided will be placed in the proper file.

In the meantime, it is imperative to our American way of life that we persist and continue going about our daily lives, enjoying the freedoms that all Americans have been provided.  America is a nation of many cultures and many different backgrounds. 

Remain aware, but remember that what make the United States so unique in our world is its vast appreciation of all people, regardless of race, color or creed.

Sincerely,

O. O. Manakami

Department of Homeland Security
Washington DC, 20011

 
 

Mar 17, 2010

Letter 7

National Association of Rifles and Guns
Washington D.C.

To Whom It May Concern,

As a lifelong gun owner and a veteran of the war in Southeast Asia, it is with great fanfare that I here do nominate myself, R. Buck Craine, to the post of Chapter President of the Central Plains states. 

My platform is simple, albeit compelling: 

1.    Give all American citizens, fourteen years and older, the inalienable right to not only bear arms, but brandish them at will.  Nothing ends conflict quicker than the click of a fully loaded clip.

2.    Silence those against silencers:  while most people I know are not assassins, most people I know are assassins of deer, not to mention other large and small game.  Guns are loud and make deer run away.  Silencers literally silence the problem.  Think about it. 

3.    Arm teachers, but not before arming the students.  However, do not arm the custodians, as most of these people have served time in federal prison.

Radical?  Yes.  But necessary.  Can the situation get any worse than it already is?  It won’t on my watch.

Please send the paperwork necessary for filing for my candidacy at your earliest convenience.  If possible, hand deliver them.  I’m currently having a problem with my Post Man. 

All the best,

R. Buck Craine

 
 

Mar 17, 2010

Response 7

Mr. R. Buck Craine
P.O. Box 12579
Overland Park, KS 66204

Dear Mr. R. Buck Craine:

Thank you for your interest in the National Association of Rifles and Guns.  As you may already know, NARG is dedicated to protecting our Constitutional right to maintain “a well-regulated militia, necessary to the security of a free state, and to ensure the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed”. 

Since it was the intention of our Founding Fathers that all men have the inalienable right to protect themselves, their families, and the State itself, it is our duty to see to it that their original vision for this great nation is upheld.

However, supporting this cause is no easy task and requires an endless supply of resources to fend off the Liberal tsunami of resistance we face on a daily basis.  Won’t you please help support this endeavor by making a donation to our cause?  Every penny counts, for every person counts.

Please make your check payable to NARG.  Thank you for your patriotism and your ample contribution.

Sincerely,

Boyd J. Potsch
President, National Association of Rifles and Guns
P.O. Box 12598
Washington DC, 20017

 
 

Mar 16, 2010

Letter 6

Overland Park Motorcycle Club
Overland Park, KS

To Whom It May Concern,

I am writing to you to withdraw my membership in the Overland Park Motorcycle Enthusiast Club.  When I joined this club less than a month ago, it was with the expectation that this club consisted of hard-nosed bikers, hell bent on drinking, stirring up trouble and irritating the locals. 

You can imagine my chagrin to learn that the “President” of our gang was not only an ape-hanging Hog-rider, but also a podiatrist and a sitting member of the Overland Park City Council.  I ask you, how does one raise hell in the very zoning districts he helped create?  And with his wife sitting in the side-bucket next to him no less?

Therefore, I must resign my post of as Deputy Treasurer.  I also demand you immediately cease the usage of the name “Lads of Lucifer”.  It shouldn’t be an issue as most of you didn’t like it anyway. 

With Great Regret,

R. Buck Craine

 
 

Mar 16, 2010

response 6

Mr. R. Buck Craine
P.O. Box 12579
Overland Park, KS 66204

Dear Buck,

We gladly accept your resignation and wish you all the best in finding whatever it is you are looking for.  Riding with you has been, without a doubt, one of the least pleasant experiences any of us has ever had. 

Please be advised that your participation in our fundraiser for Neil Armstrong Elementary is not necessary.  Despite the damage you did and the children you scared, the club is more than happy to carry the burden of reparation and apology without your involvement. 

Good luck and good riddance.

Dr. Anthony Hawley

President, Overland Park Motorcyle Club
Hawley, Jacob, Shapiro Podiatry Partners
421 N. Walnut Ave.
Overland Park, KS 66204

 
 

Mar 15, 2010

Letter 5

BUELLER BEER
Pawnee, KS

Dear Good Sirs,

I have long enjoyed the cold and frothy taste of an icy bottle of Bueller Beer.  Nothing ends the day like a big bottle of Beuller.  But then, you knew that, as it’s your slogan. 

I am writing you to commend you on a product well made.  It has been my honer to defend your beer in bars across this nation.  It has been called ‘Pee-water’, ‘Sissy-juice’ and ‘Retard-sweat’ by various ne’er-do-wells and one escaped convict.  I do not suffer these fools lightly.  Especially the Native Americans. 

With pride and righteousness, I have the spread the word that there is no finer beer than Beuller beer.  Despite its price.  While a fine beer, Beuller beer is not a cheap beer.  Especially for those of us who pay the price of our dignity defending its honer.  It would be only a terrific pleasure to accept the gift of a few free cases of Beuller brand Beer in recognition of my commitment to your product, which I might add, has come at no cost to you.  I would also accept a free t-shirt, but not one of them cheaply made painters caps.  They make me look like that Ralph Monroe from the “Green Acres” television program. 

Keep up the good work.

Sincerely,

R. Buck Craine